I finally understood
by Shiomei
Summary: Kaoru leaves the dojo in order to heal. When she's about to give up somebody helps her and gives her hope again. A new life, new experiences and new feelings will determine her future. But can the past be totally buried?
1. Default Chapter

Author's Notes: Hi there!!!! I usually write in Spanish but today I decided to try to write in English too. So I am new here and I am very nervous...English is not my mother language so be gentle with me and give me a chance reading this crazy story. And please don't forget to leave a review... It would help me a lot and of course it'll make a very happy Shiomei ^-^  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin and the rights of this terrific anime. The genius who created this story is Watsuki-sama and the lucky people are the ones who are associated with him and I do not belong to that group... I don't even know Japan... T-T  
  
----------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD  
  
Prologue  
  
  
  
She was kneeling in the middle of her room with her hands on the floor and her eyes were full of salty tears which were making a puddle in the floor.  
  
All the recent events were printed in her mind and she couldn't do anything about it. She knew very well that all the tears would one day disappear but her heart will always ache for him. She needed to do something about it, but she couldn't do anything right now. She found out how weak she really was. Of course, she had always been proud of being the shihondai of Kamiya Kasshin Ryu, but does it help in moments like this? No.  
  
She knew that Kenshin is the love of her life. She lives for him and she needs him to be with her to be really happy. Without him, she cannot think properly and there will be something missing in her life. Without him she feels empty; however, that is her problem and maybe her biggest mistake. Why did she have to give him her love? Why did she have to love a man who still loved a dead woman?. Why? Because she is an idiot that's why. Her mistake is loving a man who can't correspond her love and even worst, a man who belonged to another. Did she really need a slap to wake up from her dream and bring her back to reality? Did she really need to be humiliated by the most important person in her life to realize that she wasn't the one for him? Was it really difficult to understand that? Yes it is, and it's painful.  
  
She smiled at that. Yes it was the most difficult thing in the world. Assimilate the defeat maybe was distressing but not so difficult. Nobody can be blind for too much time when the truth is like an atmosphere around you; when it is in front of your eyes. Getting over it is another reality. It's not easy to hear the same words in your mind repeating like a demoniac voice: "You know what ? All the things you have in the world doesn't mean anything because without love you are nothing." And for her, love was Kenshin. The equation was easy. She was absolutely nothing and she was aware of that. Fast, easy and deeply painful... right?  
  
She stood up and walked towards the door. She opened it and in a few seconds she was in her parents' room. It was like a habit. She was always terribly sad when she entered this room. Embracing the clothes of her father and the diary of her mother she found a good palliative for her sadness. Her heart finds peace and clarity to think properly. She felt loved here because this is the place wherein the two people who could only understand her stayed. Too bad they were dead, but it doesn't matter to her. Maybe being around their things could give her at least the sensation of having them around her. Now was time to make decisions and there is nothing better than having the people who truly loved her close to her .  
  
She wasn't crying this time. Maybe because she didn't have any more tears or because she understood that they weren't necessary. She didn't have to mull over her situation and about idea that was in her mind since she entered the room. Anyway, it was the best for both of them. Their relationship was always so complicated and with this situation, she was sure that it was going to be worst. Maybe she was afraid. She didn't know if she could face him anymore without her heart breaking in smaller pieces each time she looks at his beautiful eyes. She knew she would not stand look at him and see in those beautiful amethyst pools a shadow of guilty and pain because of her. She could have been an stupid but she wasn´t mean, even if he didn´t love her the way she wanted she really did love him with all her heart and soul, and she was going to put her life aside to prevent a worst end.  
  
He wasn't guilty of her pain. The only one who fell in love was her, right? The only one who wanted him to feel something more other than being friends was her; the only one who decided to live this hell was her. So, who was she to make him feel guilty? Megumi had once told her that she was no replacement for Tomoe. She was a swan, a lady; someone unattainable, so far away from her, so different and even better than her. She was just a simple tomboy who plays to be the strong girl but she is the exactly the opposite. A stupid idiot who suffers because of the rejection of a man who is in love with a ghost. It's ridiculous to fight against an idealized memory and even more, to fight against a real love that lasted a long time beyond the boundaries of death.  
  
Now, the most important thing was leaving without any traces. It was going to be easy for Kenshin to find her if she followed the same route they always go through so she had to go to a place where he never could find her; a place where she could be isolated from the memories and from the pain. At least she had to try to do it before she chickens out, but first she had to think about the letter and the explanation about her leaving. It's not that she really cares about it but the one who is running away was her and it wasn't fair to have her family worried ( and a guilty Kenshin ) ... family... it sounds really beautiful... but it wasn't the time to be nostalgic...  
  
She decided to leave and she was going to do it without any hesitations in her decision. She was going to leave her own home, she was going to leave the only thing she could claim hers. She was going to live everything for his peace of mind...  
  
-----------------------------------------------------------  
  
A.N: Hey!!!! How was it ??? A lot of mistakes ??? I know my writing skills are not good enough but please at least let me know if I shall continue this fic... I have some ideas but I don't know if I must carry on writing in English... If it's so bad tell me and I am going to remove it... Please, could someone leave me a review checking my mistakes??? I'd be wonderful because I am studying this language and I need to know what part of my book I must study more!!!!  
  
Thank you for reading my story!!!!!!!!! ^-^  
  
Shiomei.  
  
And again... REVIEW PLEASE!!!! and help my self-confidence !!!  
  
----------------------------- 


	2. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: **

Hi!!! I'm here!!! * Shiomei is dancing around her PC * Yeah... I know that it was a long time ... sorry Minna-san but it wasn't my fault. Firstly, my grandmother passed away one month ago. Secondly, my mother was in the hospital for nearly two months. Lastly, university is driving me crazy!!!

I've checked my prologue and I could see very BIG mistakes. Anyway, Lily-chan helped me A LOT (Thank you Lily-chan, you are so cool!!! ). She made a revision of the prologue and of this chapter; she also added an excellent paragraph. So, if you want to read a BETTER prologue, go back and enjoy reading it without my horrible mistakes and please don't forget to tell me how it was. ^_^

Another little thing, in this chapter you'll see what really happened between Kenshin and Kaoru. So there will be a flashback ( obviously ! ^.^U ) and maybe you'll get more explanations about this story. Don't forget to review because it's important for me to know your opinions ^-^ 

**Thanks to all the readers and my biggest thanks to:**

**Kamimura**** Kaoru:** Hey!!! You wrote my first review and I am glad you liked my first attempt to write in English so please keep sending your reviews. They make me happy. I really love your stories, especially "Made for each other", I am also a dog lover!!!

**Gypsy-chan:** Thank you for the support!!! You are such a lovely person  :: sobs, sobs ::  So your Spanish is " muy malo"? I don't think so! But If one day you decide to write a fic in Spanish I'd be honoured to help you. Spanish is a bit difficult but nothing so bad… I'm looking forward for another review. Bye!!!

**Hitokiri Hatokou:** ¡¡¡Hola!!! ¿Que te enseñe inglés? Oh Dios, no te convendría para nada tener a una profesora con una gramática que está por los suelos (al menos en inglés)... créeme... pero gracias por el apoyo. ^-^ You are so kind to me. Please keep the reviews coming.

**Wilow****:** Hi!!! Thank you for the offer!!! I already have an editor but she told me that it would be good to have another so would you like to be my second editor??? If you agree let me know your email so I can send you the chapters after Lily (my current editor)  revises it. What do you think??? I would be honoured to have you helping me!!! ^-^

**Ali-chan:** Are you sure that you are talking about my fic? I don't believe that my characterization is so good, but anyway you're so nice. Thank you for supporting me!

**Chibi-Buta****:** Hi!!! Don't worry, my fic is not going to be like yours. "Evaporation" is a very good fic and I am not trying to copy your ideas because I will never be as good as you. Anyway, thank you very much for the review and for your advice to model my fic. I'll do it.

**And to:**

**Yukoma****,  K****-chan, Tan Kimiko, Saby-chan, LittleDragon5, Blue and Sabrina**. Thank you **very very very** much for the support and please keep your reviews coming ^-^

**_  
Disclaimer:_**

I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor the rights of this terrific anime. The genius who created this story is Watsuki-sama. He and the ones who are associated with him are the owners of everything. **that lucky people ** and I definitively do not belong to that group. Come on! I don't even know Japan! U_U u

**_  
Ah!!! don't forget this:_**

**_**Italics**_** is for thoughts

  
  
**I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD**

**Written by Shiomei  
& edited by Lily**

**Chapter one**

  
Kaoru read the small piece of paper in her hand for the nth time. She had written it two hours ago in order to have everything as she had planned; she wanted it all to be perfect, if "perfect" is the accurate adjective in this kind of situations.

Nobody was in the house. Yahiko was with Sano training somewhere and the whereabouts of Kenshin were equally ignored. She was sure that Kenshin needed sometime alone to reflect on what had happened a few hours ago as she had been doing all this time. If it was not easy for her to cope with the results of her impulsive actions it was obvious that it wasn't any better for him.  Thousands of bothersome questions had been appearing in her mind for the last few hours. Her mind was in distress; she could not think straight, the regrets, the suffering, the humiliation… were too much for her. Even though she wanted to wipe out the terrible remorse and pain she was feeling, everything ended up centred on the memory of the expressionless face of Himura Kenshin while she confessed her feelings to him. She shook her head hoping to stop her trail of thoughts.

_**Is it right to leave my own house because of him? Shouldn't he be the one leaving? **_

Every time she asked herself this, her conscience categorically answered: 

_**No. He shouldn't. You are the one who must leave. Kami! Can't you understand it?! That's the only way you can fix up this mess without hurting the others in the process. This has become his home!  Yahiko, Sano, Megumi and the kids love Kenshin as a brother, so you can't sacrifice them just because of your stupidity! Do you want to hurt them?**_

**_**No I don't.**_**

****

_ **So, you can't hesitate, Kamiya. You decided to follow this path by committing that foolish mistake; you risked every chance of having him forever as a friend. Everything was destroyed by your impulsiveness…**_

**_**I know but-**_**

_**There are not buts... Now that everything is done, you must do what is right and finish it till the end. Where is your pride? Do you think that you are going to be able to look at their eyes when they will discover that you kick him off because pf his rejection? Just because you can't stand looking at him everyday and longing what you will never be capable to have? No. You know you cannot do that. You are not that kind of people, Kaoru. This is the best for the ones you love and even if it does not seem, it's also the best  for you. .. you need to think, to heal and forget…  Even if you feel that you are falling apart, even if your heart is breaking, you have to endure this and ignore the pain  it's causing to you.**_

  
After she had come to terms with her conscience she entered the dojo for the last time. The floor was clean and shiny. "Yahiko works harder than I thought", she thought while a small smile appeared in her face to contrast her sadness. She was going to miss terribly her little battles with the little brat and the soft voice of Kenshin trying to calm her. "Maa maa Kaoru-dono, I am sure Yahiko is just joking. He doesn't mean it, that he doesn't ". 

  
Who could have thought that she was also going to miss Yahiko calling her "busu" all day; Sanosuke chewing his fishbone and calling her "Jo-chan".  They were like brothers to her and she just hoped they already knew it. And also Megumi, the woman she was so jealous of; her friend and foe at the same time and her biggest rival. No; correction: her biggest **_living_** rival. She had learnt to put up with her hurtful comments and her annoying personality. After all, they usually got on well... She was going to miss her too. Dr. Genzai, little Ayame and Suzume, they were her only family when her parents died, her only support. When all was dark for her just by hearing their childish giggles and enthusiasm she would recover instantly her strength and decision to fight against her self-pity. 

  
_**Stop that! It will not help you if you keep remembering the people that make you attached to this place. Remember, now  you have another priority**_

It was true but it seemed that her heart was reluctant to forget.

***_*_*_*_*_*_* Flashback *_*_*_*_*_*_***

  
It was a very nice afternoon. There was a very beautiful landscape in front of them: the sunset. The sun was a very big orange in the sky; its colours were a combination of pink, orange and dark yellow. Very slowly, the sun hid behind the mountains, which were very far away from them. It was marvellous. It is not everyday that you can see that kind of a natural miracle next to the person you love the most.

All the Kenshin-gumi were sitting near the river. Dr. Genzai was playing with Ayame and Suzume. Yahiko, who had offered to help him with the hyperactive girls, also played with them. Sanosuke and Megumi were sitting next to each other, apparently having a normal conversation and two seconds later they were having a very "nice" argument about Megumi being a stubborn and old kitsune while Sano being a stupid rooster head that was no more than a damn freeloader. There were also glares and some disgusting adjectives which are better not to be described. Anyway, everything was normal.

Meanwhile, Kenshin and Kaoru were staring at the sunset without talking. They had been walking when Kenshin decided to stop to stare at it. Kenshin seemed lost in his thoughts while Kaoru was hearing and at the same time smiling at the argument that Sano and the foxy doctor shared. For the first time of her life she felt envy of their relationship. She kept smiling no matter what, but this time it was a longing smile. 

**_**If Kenshin and me just…**_****__**

"They are meant to be together, right Kenshin?" she asked turning her head to look at Kenshin directly. She had a forced smile on her face that could not hide the sad expression behind it. Kenshin observed her and wondered the reason of this reaction, she was very happy two minutes ago. 

He realized that Kaoru was looking at him with curiosity waiting for the answer of the question he hadn't heard for having his mind occupied. "Excuse me Kaoru-dono, seesha was absorbed and didn't hear you..."

"I told you that our rooster head and the foxy doctor are going to be together one day and it seems to be soon."

"Do you think so, Kaoru-dono? Seesha really hopes so, de gozaru. Megumi-dono and Sano are very good people. They deserve a lot of happiness..."

"Hai," Kaoru replied looking at the beautiful view in front of her. Then she said, "Kenshin..."

"Yes Kaoru-dono?"

"Have you ever thought about being happy?" Kenshin seemed confused so she clarified her question "I mean, have you ever thought about your own happiness? You are always worrying about us and it seems that you don't have time to think about yourself. I don't think- "

"Kaoru-dono," he interrupted her breaking his gentle smile. "You don't have to worry about me. I am sure you have better things to think about."

Sadness flickered on Kaoru's eyes as she heard this. "Oh,  gomen Kenshin. I just wanted to - "

"Seesha knows Kaoru-dono. Seesha is aware of your good intentions but - "

"Kenshin, they are not just 'good intentions' as you say it. You don't understand," she cried out, her courage gathering up. "It's not just that I care about you because you are my friend . I think you know I have feelings for you... I...I..."

"Kaoru-dono don't-" Kenshin interrupted her again guessing what she wanted to say and at the same time afraid of the imminent truth.

"...love you... "  She finished softly, her voice carrying in the wind.

Kenshin just lowered his head avoiding Kaoru`s eyes. He was expecting those words but he didn't know what to do or what to say. He couldn't say a single word. In his mind were images of a woman dressed in a white kimono who tried to smile at him. Then the same woman naked in his arms hearing his promises of happiness...and lastly, that woman dying, by his own hands and trying to smile her last real smile for him. He could smell again the white plum perfume. In his mind was just a name...Tomoe...and all the feelings that name represented sprung up again: darkness, pain and his broken heart... he just could not live that hell again, he would never forgive himself if that happened.

"Kenshin did you hear me?" Kaoru asked, concern in her eyes.

No answer.

Concern was replaced with sadness as tears began to appear again in her eyes. She felt that a knife was cutting slowly inside of her, stabbing mercilessly her young heart.

"Kenshin please, tell me something."- She pleaded. 

No answer, not even a simple stare.

She had felt so confident and sure of herself when she confessed her feelings for him and now here he was, saying not even a word, not even addressing her as "Kaoru-dono" or just a stupid "oro ". It wasn't until she saw him, still standing in the same place like a rock for nearly two minutes that realization came to her. She had opened her heart to him without even thinking beforehand what his feelings were... but… she had been was  that he corresponded hers, after all they had passed through: Jin´eh, Kyoto, many more and finally Enishi´s Jinchuu, there wasn't any possibility of rejection. She thought that he was only shy and that's why she decided to take the first step...

_**Yes, you thought, Kaoru... you weren`t sure... you just managed to convince yourself of it. _

_You took too much for granted...**_

Silly girl... Now, she understood everything.

Tears cascaded down in her porcelain face dropping on her kimono and on the ground. She didn't want him to see her like this. Not this time...not again...no more tears in front of him...So she did the first thing she could think: She began to run. Where? She didn't know it either. She just decided to run away from everybody and from everything. She needed to be alone so badly. She needed to think and to calm herself so she went to an old and hidden shrine in the forest, a peaceful and an isolated place far away from him and his unreadable expression that could only mean rejection.

Three hours later, she entered her dojo. Everybody saw her coming in and Sanosuke was the first one who interrogated her, playing the role of the over-protective older brother. 

"Jo-chan, where have you been?!"

She didn't pay attention to him and carried on walking towards her room. As stubborn as she was, he was not going to let her elude him so easily. He had to know what had happened to his little sister so he continued to follow her until she gave up.

"Kaoru" calling her from her first name instead of his famous 'jo-chan' meant that he was serious. "What happened? Where is Kenshin? We thought that he was going to come back with you and - "

"Shut Up, for God`s sake!" she cried out, without facing him. "Nothing happened, Sanosuke, so don't worry. I don't know where Kenshin is because I came back alone. I decided to take a walk by myself so I left him where we were. Now could you do me a favour? Take Yahiko somewhere. Maybe he would like to train with you. You can teach him some techniques of yours so he can become stronger, I am sure he will accept immediately"

"Kaoru..." he started, knowing that something wasn't okay.

"Please..." she said turning to look at him with her sad eyes pleading for an affirmative answer. When he saw her in that state he couldn't do anything but agree.

"Ok Jo-chan," he said with a faked smile. "Are you sure you going to be okay? - he asked, almost whispering so that only she could hear. She nodded and hugged Sanosuke. Then she parted a little and smiled a very bad imitation of a bright smile.

"Thanks a lot Sano."

"Your welcome"

"And thanks for everything."

"Everything?" he asked.

"Thank you for being like a brother to me. I love you very much..."

"You know I love you too, Jo-chan," he said feeling a very odd sensation inside of him. It was like he was missing her. 'Never mind,' he thought. 'All this stuff is beginning to make me insane.'

"Hey you two, lovebirds! Aren't you ashamed of cheating on Kenshin and Megumi?!" Yahiko said and then he began to laugh his head off. Kaoru's expression changed into one of pure sadness. It seemed like everything reminded her of Kenshin. Sano was aware of her change and when he was about to ask her if Kenshin had done something to her, she turned her back at him and said in a low voice:

"Sano, I would like to be alone. Can you do this as a favour? Please?"

"Of course but-" he said in a serious tone again. "You know you can trust me, Kaoru. Whatever is happening to you can be solved with our help. Everybody here loves you and please, for once, don't let the suffering push its way into your heart... You are too kind to suffer. So," he said this time with a grin she couldn't see but she knew that it was there as always. "I am not going to repeat this stupid stuff so you better keep it in your mind. Did you hear me, Jo-chan?"

"Yes, I will always keep in mind what you have told me." *even if I know it's not completely true*' and thank you." she honestly said. "And," she began raising her voice. "Yahiko-chan!!!"

"Don't call me -Chan, busu! I am already a man!!! Are you blind???" Sanosuke began to laugh at that and Yahiko became every second angrier than before...

"You rooster head!!!!"

"Yahiko-CHAN!!!"

"Baka!!!"

"LITTLE JERK!!!!"

"Shut up the both of you!!!" yelled Kaoru. 

What do you want busu? You don't have to ask. I will be present in your wedding but are you absolutely sure of this? I mean, Kenshin is much better than this stupid rooster head!" And he began to laugh again.

"YOU STUPID BOY. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? JO-CHAN AND I ..." shouted Sano.

"YOU BRAT!" - she said, enjoying the face of Yahiko, knowing that maybe this was the last time she was going to tease and be teased by the boy. She was already missing it...

"BUSU!!!!"

"Why can't you show more respect to your sensei!!! "

"I am sorry busu, but I think that respect was for people who deserved it"

"Oh God, this kid is very annoying!"

"What did you call me, hag?"

"I think she called you an annoying kid" said Sanosuke with a big grin in his face.

"BUSU!!!"

_**Very good. All is normal again. They are not worried anymore**_

"Whatever Yahiko, you have to go with Sanosuke.

" Me with the rooster head ? Why is that?"

"Because he is going to train you," she said in a very serious tone.

"I prefer Ken - " Yahiko started.

"You don't prefer anybody. It's an order. Even if you don't want to accept it, I am your sensei so you have to do whatever I tell you. End of this argument."

"Kaoru," said Yahiko realizing that he missed what have happened a few minutes ago. He remembered her expression and her eyes full of sadness. He was not stupid and he knew she had been crying for something or for someone and now she wanted to be alone and because of that she made an excuse to push them far away from her. She wanted to isolate herself. "Kaoru, why are you pushing out us? What happened today? You were sad and-"

"Yahiko I am not sad and I don't want to push you out of here. It's just that your busu and baka sensei have read a very sad story and began to cry and ... you know how I am... I just thought that it'll be good for you to train with Sano. He is a very skilled fighter so you will learn a lot from him. Just don't argue too much okay?"

_**I don't believe her. She doesn't know how to lie**_

_'_"Kaoru I - "

"Let's go kid, you heard Jo-chan. She wants you stronger when you come back here so you need lo learn a lot," said Sano giving Yahiko a 'You-better-do-it-if-you-don´t-want-to-die' look. "Well Jo-chan, we're going and remember what I told you. We'll talk later."

"Okay Sano. Bye and don't be so hard with the kid."

"Hey! I heard that!" said Yahiko who was waiting at the entrance of the dojo.

"Take care of him Sano, promise?" said Kaoru seriously.

"Kaoru it's not that we're not going to come back," said Sano, worried.

"Just promise me that..."

"Okay, I promise. Really Kaoru, you are acting very weird. I expect it's - "

"Shut up and go rooster head," she said with a grin in her face. 

Sanosuke left the place with Yahiko next to him. None of them wanted to begin a conversation, not even a small talk. They were so busy thinking about Kaoru and her attempts to be alone. While they were going away, an odd presentiment about coming back and not leaving Kaoru alone grew inside them; however, they carried on walking towards God-knows-where.

**_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_* End of the flashback *_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_***

  
_**Kamiya Kaoru, you are doing this for both of your sakes. You really need to be far away from here. You need to give peace to Kenshin and get some yourself.  Do not hesitate anymore, Kaoru...not now…not when it is the first time that you are going to make the most important decision in your life... don't make a terrible mistake again  **_

She left the note in the centre of the dojo and carrying a small bag, she began to walk towards the main door. She turned around for the last time and looked all her place. This was her pride, the legacy that was left to her by her father. Her memories as a child were treasured here; growing up with her parents; the gentle hands of her okaasan, her angelic face and soft voice; the commanding voice of her father telling her to be strong and not give up; the hardships that she suffered, the people who do not accept her way of the sword. Many things happened here and now, she was going to leave this place. She didn`tt know when she would be able to come back so she imprinted the dojo and the faces of her family in her mind. Then she said in a very low voice with tears falling over her cheeks "Good bye home, it was nice to live here". 

The pain was increasing and it hurt her heart more than ever. Putting aside any hesitation, she crossed the threshold and decided to begin a new life smiling. She stopped crying and she managed to put a smile on her face. She needed to have some optimism to begin her journey. Where was she going to go? She didn't know yet. It was the difficult part… but, who said that it was going to be easy? Praying for the safety of her friends she began to walk quickly before they came back. 

  
In a matter of seconds the figure of Kaoru Kamiya disappeared into the darkness of the night to become, the next day, the gossip of the entire town. But that's another day so by the moment this chapter ends here.

----------------------------

REVIEWS PLEASE!!! LET ME KNOW IF THIS CHAPTER WAS BETTER THAN THE PROLOGUE AND GET A SOONER UPDATE!!! 

Thank you for reading my story!!!

Shiomei


	3. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes: **

Hi!!! Minna-san How do you do? I am finally here again! I would like to apologise for the delay of this chapter!!! It is almost two or three months since I posted another chapter. I know I am a very bad girl. But what could I do? I had to study for my final exams, and believe me, if university tests are not easy, just wonder about the finals. Anyway, I am more than willing to carry on with this story. I am very grateful for your reviews!!! Please, Minna, continue sending them!

I want to thank Lily-chan in a special way. She helps me a lot by checking my horrible mistakes. Without her this fic would not be understandable enough. ^-^

Oh, I almost forgot! There are people who asked me if this fic was going to have a happy ending. Uhmm... Let me thinkI don`t think so... No! Of course I am lying!!! My readers in the Spanish section always ask me the same question about my others fics. Do not worry; I love writing dramas because I have the chance to go inside the feelings of the characters, and I can also explore new situations. But I am a K/K lover and I can't see them separated for a long time; after all, they are meant to be together and those kinds of things are unbreakable. So who are we to change their beautiful love?

You will see in this chapter how Kenshin takes in this situation (at least a little) and you will discover what his real feelings are. I don't want to distract you anymore!!! 

Go, read and review!!!

**  
Disclaimer: **

I do not own Rurouni Kenshin, nor the rights of this terrific anime. The genius who created this story is Watsuki-sama. He and the ones who are associated with him are the owners of everything. **that lucky people ** and I definitively do not belong to that group. Come on! I don't even know Japan! U_U u

**Ah!!! Don't forget this:**

  
**_**Italics**_** is for thoughts

**I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD**

**Written by Shiomei  
Edited by Lily**

  
**Chapter two**

  
It was a new day. The sun was shining in the sky giving everybody the impression that is was going to be a nice and sunny day. Kaoru woke up in the middle of the forest when she felt something warm hovering over her face. She slowly opened her eyes hoping that all the events that happened yesterday were a dream; she was expecting that the odd sensation she was feeling now was one of Yahiko's jokes. But it wasn't. Kaoru found a pair of brown eyes that reminded her of Sano, and then she saw that the warm breath that she felt emanated from a very long muzzle. A dog? No! It seemed like a monster. She was pretty scared and the first thing that Kaoru Kamiya used to do when she was afraid of something was shout, but she didn't do that this time. She could be impulsive but not stupid. She remained quiet because she had heard someone say that dogs, wolves or whatever kind of animal smell fear, and she didn't want to discover by personal experience if it was true or not. Anyway, the animal just stared at her without barking or doing something else. She closed her eyes again and tried to forget, at least for a few seconds, the fact that she was scared stiff. The wolf just smelled her for a few more seconds, and then it went away as silently as it came.

Kaoru could finally fill her lungs with air again. It was the first day of her journey, and she had almost been the food of a wild animal. Maybe she was exaggerating but everybody does that when something like this happens. Kami! It was her first day alone on her own and she had the feeling that she was messing all up.

She stood up and remembered that yesterday she had fallen asleep after seven, eight or maybe night hours of walking. The only thing she was sure was that the walk had been tiring enough to make her hurt. She didn't know where she was. It was so frustrating to ignore your whereabouts but she couldn`t do nothing against the reality. She was lost, hungry and even worst, she was apparently in danger. She sighed and began to walk around the place. She remembered that she had decided to take a different route, one that does not lead to Kyoto or to the places which she had wandered following Kenshin. It was now in the past and nothing could be done to change that truth. She had to forget Kenshin and it had to be done as soon as possible. 

  
While she was walking she could only see a lot of trees and some birds chirping peacefully, sitting comfortably in the branches, looking at their surroundings like nothing has happened, so carefree and without any fear in the world. Suddenly, she felt envy. She felt alone and scared and just seeing the birds and the surroundings made her feel worst. She was angry at herself for her lack of care and for her fate. She could not cope with it any longer and released her anger by yelling.

"Good Kamiya Kaoru! Now what the hell were you thinking?! First you decide to start a new life along by leaving the dojo, and then the first thing you do is walk to a place that you do not know! How good is that! Then, like you haven`t got enough, you fall asleep without even investigating what kind of place this is, and you wake up with great luck to see a horrible wild animal hovering over you which might have eaten you if you have not thought of anything in that damn moment. Good thing you remember what people say." She stopped for a moment to breathe and then added sadly. "Nice way to begin a new life" She almost began to cry when her stomach growled, reminding her that she hadn't eaten anything for a long time. She temporarily forgot her pitiful situation as she thought, 'Oh my God! I am starving. I forgot to bring some food with me. I mustn't cry. I've cried too much, and I can't waste more tears in vain. Now my priority is to find something edible to eat." And she began to walk towards the ignored, thinking and regretting her lack of care at cooking. Now she had to face the consequences. Anyway, who said that being a rurouni was going to be easy?

***_*_*_*_*_* Dojo Kamiya *_*_*_*_*_*_***

  
"Kaoru-dono breakfast is ready," said Kenshin gently, knocking on her door. He had prepared breakfast, and he decided to call her so that they could eat together. Yahiko and Sano were not at home, and he absolutely ignored where they could be. Kaoru's door was closed so he assumed that she was asleep. 

He was going to knock again but stopped when a terrible feeling invaded him.He felt guilty for his reaction when she confessed her feelings to him. He acted in an impolite and careless manner. He knew that he had hurt her a lot, and he wanted to talk to her about it and try to make her understand that he wasn´t neglecting her because he did not love her. The situation was the complete opposite. Yesterday, when he saw her running away from him, he felt the urge to go after her, and confess his feelings to her. He wanted to say freely "I love you" as any other man could do; he wanted to embrace her, to kiss her and to keep her safe near him, but he couldn't. He couldn´t because of his past. His hands were still soaked with blood and his soul was one of a destroyed man. It was the soul of a merciless murderer called Battousai that worked for the Shinsengumi in a war that finished with the defeat of a corrupt group and the victory of another political party that was surely following the same path. He had been for them just their efficient marionette. She didn´t deserve the remnants of a man, she needed a man who could fill her heart with love and adoration, she needed more than him. That´s why he had to love her in secret; trying to show his gratefulness by doing house chores for her. Just a smile was necessary to warm his days. He never thought how selfish his reasoning was. 

  
Obviously he was aware of his feelings for her. He loved her with all his heart and soul. If he had seen Tomoe in his mind yesterday, it was because he was reminded of his past. When Kaoru confessed to him, he immediately remembered his life as a Battousai and also his wife and that triggered his mind to remember everything that had happened to him. He was afraid to touch that memory: the memory of Tomoe. It was not because he still loved her. No it could not be. It was because she still occupied an important place in his heart. His feelings for her were not the same as they had been, it would not be normal, but she was still a special person to him. Tomoe was the one who saved him from himself when he was still Battousai, and kept him sane and rational during the time in which everywhere you looked was bloodshed. She was the memory of someone important, someone who was impossible to forget; the memory of a story of his life that could repeat itself if he didn't do anything to change it.

  
Kenshin was afraid of losing the one he loved again. He did not want Kaoru dying because of him or because some insane people wanted to kill the Battousai to have the title of the best or because they wanted to control Japan or simply because they just wanted to die by his hands. She did not deserve to live a terrible life by his side, always preoccupied and in danger of being attacked or murdered. And, his main reason, she most certainly do not deserve a person stained like him. A pure angel like her was not meant to be with a demon like him. Those kinds of things were impossible to unite; they were just dreams and fantasies but nothing else. 

  
Even if he also knew Kaoru did not care about his past he couldn`t admit the fact that she loved him. She attributed it to her kind and understanding personality. She was a nice and naive girl who accepted him as Kenshin Himura with both the Battousai and the rurouni sides. She accepted him as a whole because her big and generous heart made her blind at the reality. She thought she loved him but he knew that deep in her heart it was only pity or maybe a transitory infatuation. After all, he had been the one who had saved her many times. 

  
_****She can´t love someone like me** **_

  
She was still so young to know what love really is. He was almost thirty years old, and he still didn´t understand what was the real meaning of love He knew he loved once, but the meaning he could find in it was death, pain and a memory that would haunt him till the end of his days. Kaoru was just a girl who was confused. He loved her, and he felt guilty because of that. At first he had tried to deny it, but after a long time, he realized that the feelings he kept for her were a mix of love and gratitude. He knew he loved her but he was confused. Sometimes he thought he loved her as the woman she was and then that love was turned into one of brothers, a fraternal love. Now he didn´t really know what his feelings were. 

  
Anyway, even if his love was a romantic one, his problem was not as easy as it seemed. He couldn`t happily admit his feelings to her. His problem was far more difficult.He fell in love with her and so did his Battousai side. The Hitokiri could emerge any moment; his murderous instincts were alive in his soul, and he knew he could fail in defending her or even worst, harm her. He did know if he could protect Kaoru from the Battousai that lived inside of him. That was his worst nightmare, and he was not going to let it happen. Never. If he had to deny his own feelings for Kaoru's safety, then he would do that. She deserved the best, and he definitively didn´t meet Kaoru's standards.

  
Kaoru hasn't answered; she even hadn´t made a single sound. Kenshin used his ability of reading ki to know if Kaoru was okay. His surprise was big when he discovered that nobody was in the interior of the room. At least, nobody alive. Fear began to run in his veins. He opened the door abruptly to find nothing. Her futon was in the same location as always, like nobody had touched it before. He looked around the room to see all her possessions as tidy as always. He felt like something was missing but he couldn't figure out what it was. Then he ran towards the dojo. He didn't know what encouraged him to do that, he only followed his instincts. 

  
He entered the place and saw, in the middle of the floor, two white envelops. His heart suspected what was written on the letters before his brain could process all his thoughts. He picked up the letters from the floor and read his name in one of them, written with Kaoru's neat handwriting. His eyes began to be filled with tears, which were threatening to escape. His heart was racing. Fear and premature guilt were residing in his heart. 

He opened the letter slowly, as if wanting to kill his terrified soul painstakingly slow, afraid of the imminent truth.

_Kenshin,_

_By the time you read this letter, I will be far away from the dojo. I wrote you a personal letter because I wanted to apologize and ask you one last favour. _

_I am really sorry for my earlier behaviour. I did not have the right to say those things without thinking of you and your feelings. I understand that you must be very angry with me right now. You must be thinking that I am a coward and you might be right. I just wanted to tell you that you are not the reason for my actions. I don't want you blaming yourself because of me. This was MY decision and whatever happened in the lake was not your fault. That was a huge mistake. As I said before, I haven't thought about your feelings. I have just discovered how selfish I must seem. I apologize sincerely. For the first time in my life, I am doing what my head orders me to do, and I am trying to put aside my heart. I have taken a decision, which I will follow till the end. I just want you to respect and accept it. I am leaving. I don`t know where but I think that maybe some time of isolation will make me good. I want to put in order my priorities and also I want to think over my past actions and to demonstrate myself that I am able to take care of myself. _

_Kenshin, I do not want you and the others looking for me or worrying about me, especially you. Please Kenshin, this is the favour I wanted to ask you: Stay in the dojo and take care of Yahiko and the others as you always did. Please try to find your happiness. I know that with me far away from you, you will be able to find a way to be really happy. Now I realize that I´ve been a burden to you, and because of that I apologise deeply. I was sincere when I told you that it was time for you to think about your own happiness. You deserve a lot Kenshin. Do not waste your opportunity to be happy. I promise you that I will do the same. I am sure that one day I will find my happiness, but now I need to be alone and sort out my emotions. Maybe one day we will be able to meet each other again and, when that day comes, I expect to see a genuine smile in your face but, by the moment, forget everything that I told you in the lake. I will also try to do the same because I do think that it is the best for the both of us._

_ Remember that the past is in the past Kenshin. Give yourself a new chance to begin a new life full of happiness. I wish you good luck. _

_Farewell_

_Kaoru_

*****************************

"Hey busu! Where are you?" asked Yahiko while entering the house. Sanosuke was behind him chewing his fishbone, as usual.

Nobody answered his question. He was expecting a "Don't call me busu Yahiko-CHAN!!!" and with that he could begin his daily routine. But his time was different. A deafening silence invaded the place. They looked at each other frowning and then in a silent agreement they went quickly to the dojo and found Kenshin standing in the middle of the training room with his back to them.

"Hey Kenshin, where is Jo-chan?" Sanosuke asked in a serious tone. He knew that Kenshin had caused yesterday Kaoru's suffering. Nobody else could have the effect Kenshin had on Kaoru and he was mad because of that. 

Without turning back, Kenshin extended his arm with the other letter towards his friends and then he went out of the room without saying any single word. Yahiko took the letter. He tore it open without hesitation. He knew something was wrong with Kenshin´s behaviour and he was afraid that it could have connection with Kaoru. He looked at the letter, and his eyes widened when he read her name written legibly at the end of the letter. He told Sano that it was from Kaoru in sad and frightened voice. The rooster-head could only say:

"Shit! What the hell does it say?" 

Yahiko began to read in a loud voice,

_  
Dear Yahiko and Sanosuke,_

_I really don't know how to say this...I am leaving. Maybe around this time, I'll be far away from the dojo._

_"Shit!" This time Sanosuke shouted. "Damn! Jo-chan what have you done?!" he said in a cracked voice. Yahiko began to cry but he carried on reading_

_I know that I have lied to the both of you. I am very sorry. I needed to do that because you were never going to agree with my decision. You must be wondering why I have decided to do this. Well, do you remember that yesterday I was not feeling okay and I told you that it was nothing? I lied. I was never good in hiding my emotions right? that´s why you supposed that something had happened to me and I am afraid to say that you were right. _

_You know that there are moments when you need to be alone to think about your life and what path you will choose to make it better. Well, that is what I'm doing. I am in one of those moments so I need to think carefully about what I really want to do with my life. Yesterday I realized that I was wrong in some aspects and I need to change them. I know that maybe this is not the best way to act but this is my decision. I am sorry again my friends. It is not my intention to worry all of you but I had to do this._

_Yahiko, you are already a man and I am sure that I've trained a good warrior. I am very proud of you. Carry on by being the sweet boy you are. It seems that I cannot finish your training. I am so sorry. I am sure Kenshin and Sano will help you. I know you do not like this kind of things but I want to say this: I love you as the little brother I never had and I will always thank Kami for having the opportunity to meet you and live so many beautiful moments with you and the others. Remember that your busu will always love you. Do not doubt that you are in my heart forever._

_Sano, yesterday I told you that you are like my brother and that is totally true. I also love you very much. You will also be in my heart and in my memories forever. Don't forget your promise to take care of Yahiko. I know he already can do it by himself but I really feel better when I know that someone will look after him as I tried to do. Please do not argue too much with Yahiko and stop fighting with Megumi. Everybody knows that you love each other. I wish the both of you good luck._

_All of you have been a real family to me. You and Yahiko are like my brothers; Misao and Megumi are like my sisters and all of you! I cannot express how happy I am that I have met you. You might be asking, what about Kenshin. Well, as for that. I do not know, but I think he thinks of me as a sister. Well, if I say it's okay, you might think that I may be lying, but I am not. I'm glad that he thinks about me like that because it means that he cares, right? HahahaI have told you about my feelings for him so don't tell okay? I will really miss all of youplease take care._

_Lastly, give to doctor Genzai, Megumi, Tae and all our friends the same explanation. I will pray everyday for all of you. Kisses to Ayame and Suzume! _

_And thank you again for all the good moments you gave me and please do not try to look for me. It´s the only thing that I request from you._

_Live a happy life!_

_Kaoru_

***************

  


"KAORU! Damn! Why the hell did you have to leave?" Yahiko screamed, his voice full of sadness that could tear a heart apart if someone else heard it. He fell on his knees and began to sob while hitting the floor with his fists.

After some minutes, Sanosuke decided to stop the boy before he broke his hands. He tried to restrain him, but Yahiko resisted him. Impotence and hostility still resided in him. After a few seconds, he turned back and asked Sano in a very heartbreaking way, "She's coming back right? Please tell me that she is going to come backI don't want you or Kenshin teaching me anythingI want Kaoru to teach me the Kamiya Kasshin Ryu stylethe sword that protects where is it? Sanotell me, please, where are her promises?" He started to cry again, but this time he was reclined in Sano's chest. He just embraced the kid and tried to calm him down, but he failed. 

Sanosuke still could not believe this. Jo-chan went away without saying why. *That `s why she insisted in the mysterious training for Yahiko*- he thought. Her explanation was not convincing though. He had to find out the reason of her departure, and he was sure that the one who knew more than anybody else was Kenshin. 

He also began to shed some tears and answered in a very sad voice, "I don't know Yahiko. I really don't know. I just know that you need to cry now" he said trying to stop his tears and managing an almost normal voice. "Later, we will have to find out what made her leave us like this. She would not do things of this span without a good reason. That`s not the Kaoru I know." ** And I am almost sure what it is**- He added menacingly to himself.

  
He had lost his family once and he was not going to allow somebody knocking down the family they had formed. Even if he had to fight with one of the members of his family; even if this person was the one he considered his best friend; even if he could be sorry later about it, this time he would not care. If he had to fight with Kenshin he was going to do that. If it was necessary he would erase from his head the word hesitation. The debate between friendship and revenge had begun, but it wasn´t time to take decisions. He still would not choose. Not now. Not yet. Maybe in the next chapter.

  
-------------

HI AGAIN MINNA-SAN !!! THIS CHAPTER WAS MADE BECAUSE THERE WERE PEOPLE WHO WANTED TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING TO BE THE REACTION OF THE OTHER CHARACTERS. WELL I KNOW KENSHIN`S REACTION IS STILL A LITTLE DARK BUT DO NOT WORRY, NEXT CHAPTER YOU`LL SEE WHAT KENSHIN AND SANO DECIDED TO DO. WILL KENSHIN TELL THE OTHERS THE TRUTH? IF YOU ARE WONDERING THESE THINGS OR MAYBE ANOTHERS WAIT FOR THE OTHER CHAPTER THAT IS BOUND TO BE UPDATED SOONER THAN THIS. DONT WORRY.

ARIGATO FOR READING THIS FIC AND DONT FORGET TO LEAVE ME A REVIEW. ^_~

SHIOMEI

  



	4. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes: **

Hi Minna-san!_ **Every one of the readers and reviewers glares at Shiomei menacingly**_ Uhmm are you mad because I took a really long time to update? ****Everyone nod and keep glaring**** All right, I must accept that it's entirely my fault. In fact, It wasn't a matter of lack of inspiration, it's just that I didn't have the time to write. I know I always say that but, please, believe me, it's true. University can become a living hell 

Anyway, I wanted to thank all the people who wrote to me an e-mail and encouraged me to write this chapter. Thank you very much, you are all so great. Also thanks to my reviewers. This time I will not be able to write an answer to each one but be sure that I love you all!!! ^__^

Just another thing this chapter is NOT EDITED, at least not yet. My editor has not sent the edited chapter yet so I suppose there are going to be a lot of grammatical, spelling, etc, etc, mistakes so bear with them, please!!! I hope you find this chapter enjoyable enough.

  
**NowGo, read and review!!!   
Make me a very happy girl!   
I am sure you can!**

**Disclaimer: **

  
Neither do I own Rurouni Kenshin nor the rights of this terrific anime. The genius who created this story is Watsuki-sama. He and the ones who are associated with him are the owners of everything. _**that lucky people **_ and I definitely do not belong to that group. Come on! I don't even know Japan! U_Uu

* * *

  
**I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD**

_Written by Shiomei_

  
**Chapter three**

The day had been very difficult for him. He had to communicate to everybody the news and explain the best he could how everything had happened abstaining himself from giving away his speculations. It was safer that way. Doctor Genzai had asked to read Kaoru's letter by himself. He certainly wasn't satisfied by his explanations and that was completely understandable. After all, he had taken care of Kaoru since her parents died and now she just left him without saying good bye face to face. He knew Kaoru better; something terrible may have happened to make her go away like this. The old man was wise and knew very well how this mess started but he preferred to confirm it first by asking Sanosuke what he thought of all this. But before Sano could tell the old man that he didn't know anything he seemed to guess his intentions and told him that he didn't have to be a wizard to know that all of this was related to Himura in some way, as always. He gave Sano a very sad but stern look and told him before disappearing into his house with two confused kids at his side:

  
- "I knew something like this could happen someday. I just didn't have the heart to approach Kaoru and advice her. Now I regret it. Perhaps, I also hoped that he could understand one day how lucky he really was to have found her. Sanosuke, please, tell Himura-san that I would like to have a word with him". 

  
Sanosuke couldn't do anything but nod and go back to the dojo lost in his own thoughts. He had left Yahiko with Tae and Tsubame in the Akabeko. The both of them were shocked with the news but they didn't say a thing the moment he told them everything. Tae excused herself and left the place in the act not wanting to cry in Sano's presence. Tsubame just asked Yahiko "why" with watery eyes and a very sad expression. He just shook his head in denial and embraced her. It was the first time he had the bravery to do so; it was an impulse but he needed her more than anyone right now. He didn't know either about the reasons that Kaoru could have had to leave, the only certain thing he knew was that she hadn't tried to explain it to him, just a letter, a very impersonal good bye. She left him! And she had always said that she would be there for him, she made him believe that he had a family again and then she left him behind. He would have gone with her if she asked him to do so, but no, she went away alone, leaving him as if she didn't care about him. He would never forgive her for that. The two teenagers were lost in their embrace, oblivious to the world, trying to console each other. 

Sano thought that it was better to let them be so he went out of the place and decided to head towards the dojo. It was inevitable and even if unconsciously he'd been trying to put off the encounter he couldn't do it anymore. It was time to look for answers and get them, ay any price. 

********

  
The mist was everywhere, blocking her vision and making it difficult to walk. There had been many times in which she almost fall. In fact, she had been stumbling all the way, looking for a shelter to spend the night. She was hungry (she had not eaten a thing since yesterday), sleepy and terribly tired. Even though she was suffering, she couldn't allow herself to stop. She was afraid of getting asleep and losing conscience of her surroundings, exposing herself to all kind of dangers. Being alone in your home is a complete different story than being alone in the street. Walking into the woods and getting used to all kind of insects and animals, then going back to the road and seeing nothing more than the long and dusty path you must follow was such a hard task to accomplish, even more, with a heavy and broken heart.

Last week she almost was raped by a couple of drunken men who thought she was a defenceless peasant girl who was lost in the woods. They had found her asleep, leaning on a tree for support. She could still remember their lustful gazes on her exposed body once she awoke startled by a pair of hands disarranging her clothes; the memory of the touch of their rough hands on her virginal body made her want to throw up. That day, no sooner had she awoke than jumped quickly and tried to cover herself the best she could in the state of shock she was in. Then she grabbed her boken and discharged her anger and repugnance on them. After a short period of time those men were laying on the ground, unconscious. She stared at them completely clueless, not knowing what to do in this kind of situations. She felt more alone than ever. Even if she didn't want to admit it she realized how difficult was to be a woman and a wanderer at the same time. Without thinking in the safety of those psychos she ran away as fast as possible and took a new road, hoping not to run into people of that kind again. 

But in her desire to escape she took a road she didn't know. After some hours of walking she couldn't deny anymore the fact that she was lost; not that she knew where she was going in the first place but at least before she had an idea of where she was walking, what town came next, etc. Now she was here, in the middle of nowhere, without any clue of what could she do and without a place to rest. God! Not even food! She carried on walking impelled by her fright because she knew that if she stopped she would surely die either by evil-doers or the coldness. 

It was, after all, winter. The worst time to set off to any kind of journey. 

She lifted her head and looked at the sky. The starless mantle seemed to be darker than usual but it could have been her mind playing tricks on her because all she could really see was the mist surrounding her. God, it was so cold. The humidity in the atmosphere penetrated her clothes making her feel wet and colder than ever. 

The four months she'd been wandering were like eternity to her. Nevertheless, she had learnt a lot. She was forced to be auto-sufficient: she had to cook her own food and cheat her stomach with fruits or leaves when she couldn't get meat to parboil. She also was more aware of her surroundings, she could distinguish weird sounds from the usual she heard; she had to be alert in case robbers or any kind of criminals confronted her while she was distracted, etc. She also had time to practise her katas and to do some exercises to warm up when cold. She also knew very well that one thing was getting away of your problems and another trying to change yourself; it was true she really wanted a change in her life but she couldn't give up her skills. After all, it was a way of reassuring herself that she was still Kamiya Kaoru, assistant master of the Kamiya Kashin Ryu, even if she didn't have her dojo, even if she didn't teach anymore.

The last two weeks were especially difficult for her. She had been walking almost all day and resting just when unavoidable. She left the last town hoping to find another in a matter of maximum three days but her suppositions seemed to be wrong. There was not any town, not even a house. Kaoru was beginning to feel desperate. 

  
_Kami-sama, help me, please_

  
She tried to warm herself better with the frayed and worn gi she was covered with but after some minutes she gave up. It was impossible. While she kept walking not worrying to look ahead, knowing that she was all alone, she collided with something and immediately fell to the ground. This was the last straw, she couldn't stand this situation anymore! She was alone when she had a family to be with; she was alone when she had a home to stay in; she was nearly dying alone when she could be in her home drinking a hot cup of tea and chatting with her friends. She was alone, here, laying in the middle of a unknown road, crying as if the world was ending, feeling completely defeated when she could have been 

  
_**Happy, Kaoru? Are you sure you would be happy there? Having next to you everyday the man you love and, at the same time, trying to evade looking at him because his eyes talks of the pity and sadness you have provoked?!? No. You would not be happier there. If you are miserable now just think that you could be even more miserable! Now get up! Do not be such a coward and start moving your legs! **_

  
_I can`t _

  
**Of course you can! **

  
_No, I really can´t_

  
She was cold, her legs hurt as hell, her vision was beginning to get blurry by her tears and that damn mist made her feel even more disoriented. She was having difficulties to breath; It seemed that her lungs weren't filled by oxygen anymore

  
_I want to die_

  
There was not case on continuing this senseless journey. God! She couldn't forget anything. She kept longing and longing for the people she left voluntarily. She hasn't stopped loving Kenshin, she was still hurt, she hasn't been able to heal entirely and she doubted one day she could.

_I miss his smileI miss everything how could I end up like this? _

  
She missed Yahiko, Sano, Megumi, Tae, everyone! She wanted to sit in her old porch and look the people passing by; she wanted to keep teaching Yahiko every day and chase him all around the dojo and, if needed, smack him whenever he opened his big mouth to tease her. She wanted Sanosuke calling her "Jou-chan" and chewing on his ever present fishbone, once in a while teasing her about her looks or because Kenshin haven't proposed to her yet. And what she wanted the most was her rurouni smiling for her, even that false smile, she just wanted to sit next to him sharing the silence, one that wasn't as vacuous as this. She just wanted to go back to her old life, she couldn't resist anymore. 

  
_I am tired of all this_

  
She didn't care if it was dangerous to sleep in the road anymore. She just wanted to close her eyes and dream about the people she loved and wake up the next morning in the dojo. She could already see herself greeting them with her biggest smile telling them how much she loved to be with them. She is in her favourite spot next to the lake, she is hearing that Kenshin really corresponds her feelings and she is making plans to live happily ever after as she always had dreamt. Yes. It was a sweet dream that luckily wasn't interrupted by anything

  
_If I am going to die I prefer it to be this way. Now what I lost and what I'd never have doesn't seem too far away from me. I can hear them laughing, I can sense them around me I am with them at last. _

  
But before she closed her eyes, drifted into slumber and shut her conscience she heard voices around her saying words she couldn't understand. But despite that she could swear that she heard her surname and Kenshin's but before she could dwell in that thought or recognise the voices she passed out.

  
She couldn't see the face of the old man who have approached her when he saw her lying in the middle of the road and the shocked expression of the other, a much younger well-built one, who immediately kneeled in front of her and lifted her in his arms. Then both of them kept going; the one with the girl in his arms had an unmistakably white hair. 

********

After walking around the town for a while Sano decided that it was finally time to confront Himura. He opened the door and then closed it trying not to make too much sound. He began to look for him. The sadness he felt before was being overcame by the same feeling of hatred he felt when he discovered that Kaoru had left them. 

His steps were longer and firmer. He began to search in the kitchen but Kenshin wasn't there, then his bedroom, Kaoru's bedroom, almost everywhere and didn't find him. He couldn't imagine where could he be.

  
_Maybe he'd also leftthat coward_

  
Then he walked towards the dojo and found him in a corner. His back against the wall and his head down. He decided not to get too close to him. He was afraid of his own impulses.

- So, there you are. I've looking for you all over the house. Were you hiding? If that's the case I'm sorry but the hide and seek game is over. I want answers, Himura, what did you do to her?! 

He received no response.

  
- I asked you a question and I expect it to be answered. What the hell did you do to her?! 

Kenshin lifted his head and looked at him. He didn't say anything, he just stared at him for a while and then flashed a false smile and stood up. Sanosuke shortened the distance between them when Kenshin began to walk towards the door, not giving a single look to him. 

_  
He is trying to evade his responsibility in all this. No matter who he is, I hate cowards_

  
No longer abstaining himself from a violent behaviour he caught him by the gi and shook him. Kenshin didn't try to do anything to stop him. He knew he deserved this and more.

  
- What do you think you're doing? Do you think any of us wouldn't say something? Did you think you could hurt her in front of our eyes and we wouldn't say a damn thing?! Was that what you thought? Answer me damn it! The gods know you have a lot of to say!

- What do you want seesha to say?-asked Kenshin in a weak voice.

Sanosuke couldn't believe his ears. He throw Kenshin to the floor and then bent over near him and began to shout,

  
- What do I want you to say, you asshole? What do you think I want you to say? I want the truth! I want YOU to tell me what you've done to make her leave like that! 

  
Kenshin, for the first time looked at him in the eyes and said 

  
- All of you are so sure about it, right? Seesha has always made her cry, made her suffer and now seesha made her leave

- Who else could it be? Don't tell you notice the effect you had on her? You won't trick me, Himura, I'm not like the others. I don't believe in that clueless and I'm-all-smiles façade You knew very well what you meant to the girl and you still kept hurting her without second thoughts. What did you do now Kenshin? What is it that she has or lacks that makes her co unworthy of you?

- How can you say such a thing?!- Kenshin asked lifting his startled face. Now he was glaring at Sanosuke.- Seesha is the one who is not worthy of her, Sanosukeseesha never thought that she

- That she could love you? Himura, you are a bastard! You lead her on! You made her believe in nothing but lies! The reassuring smiles, the "seesha will always protect you, Kaoru-dono", that time you spent in Rakaninmura I thought you loved the girl, Kenshin, where are those words? Because if you had really meant them she would be here by your side with a baby in her arms! She's a human Kenshin and nobody can take that much you must have done something to her and forced her to leave what did you tell her now? Maybe that she's not like your wife what was her name? Tomoe?

That touched a sore point. Kenshin looked at him sternly and with a serious voice he said:

- I'll say this just once, Sanosuke. Don't talk about things you know nothing about. This has nothing to do with Tomoe and I would never dare to compare Miss Kaoru to anyone as I never compared Tomoe to her. I lied to Kaoru and to myself. I thought I was protecting her and I ended up hurting her. And you are right about something: I'm bastard and much more but you don't know how much I regret everything, how much I regret making her go away from what is hers when I should have been the one leaving- he finished in a deeper voice. 

  
Now he was looking at the floor where the letter he'd been clutching some minutes before was laying. Kenshin kneeled and picked it up. He took Sano's hand and made him grab the dirty and wrinkled piece of paper. Then he told him:

  
- There's your answer. 

And he went out.

Sometime later Sanosuke found Kenshin sat in his usual spot in the porch. He was looking at the door but his mind appeared to be somewhere else. He didn't say anything for a minute and then decided to ask in a calm voice.

  
- What do you plan to do now? I suppose you'll

- No- he interrupted- I won't let her down again. 

- What do you mean? 

- I'm staying here as she wants. 

- What the hell are you talking about?! I thought you real- he began but stopped when Kenshin stood up and lifted a hand.

- I'll face whatever consequences my former acts had, Sanosuke, and I'm doing what she wants me to do, even if my desires tell me otherwise and I'll make sure everybody does the same. She went out to find herself so I won't look for her. I'd be contradicting her decision, one that she fought so hard to take. I know how much has it hurt her to leave you and the others, the ones she love dearly. This is what she wants, this is what she decided. I've made a mistake and I'm not repeating it. I thought I could prevent her from the suffering that a life together could have represented to her but I caused her even more grief in the end. I was selfish in a way. I didn't want to live knowing that I can't make her happy enough, I was afraid of failing her but I did it anyway. I won't try to impose myself on her by trying to make her come back with me, Sano. I hurt her and saying sorry would never heal that wound. Please, understand that all her efforts would be in vain I go to look for her. She needed to leave and I'm nobody to make her come back. So I'll wait for her here, I know sometime she'll come back to us

Sanosuke sighed. He could understand what he meant but

- What if she never

Kenshin looked at him with pain in his eyes.

  
- She'll come back. This is her home, all of you are her family. She'll come back when she's ready.

  
- And when would that be? Yahiko and the others will miss her. You know that I love her as a sister and you

  
- That's also my fault. Seesha didn't think he could affect all of you with his acts and for that seesha is deeply sorry. She'll come back when she's healed, Sanosuke. When she's finally able to face us with renewed pride. She'll come back when she's finally able to forget what she feels for me. 

- And you won't do anything to

- I know that's the price, Sanosuke, and I take it. - he said and entered the kitchen to cook dinner for them, as always. But the only difference was that this was the first time he had begun to do shores as a habit, a routine. His only motivation was gone. He just clung to the wish that someday she'd come back and that he'd be able to see her beautiful smile again, even if it wasn't meant for him anymore. 

* * *

  
**Final Notes:**

And what do you think? Too many errors?!? I'm SO sorry about them!!! 

Well, this Monday I have my last final exam (at least in this cycle) of Linguistics so I'll have all my summer to carry on writing and updating this fic and my others written in Spanish. My vacations are very near! I'm so happy! But now I have to read Chomsky! Agh! I hate that man!!

So, the next update won't take too long. Sorry about the delay of this chapter, people!!!

  
Hugs & Kisses

  
**Shiomei**


End file.
